On the Train

Last Tuesday I got on a train to go and stay with my boyfriend. The train took 3 hours and there was one change half an hour in, but beforehand I was a mess.

The build up to going and catching the train involved a lot of crying, one panic attack, some unfair accusations on my part, four visits to the toilet and the forcing down of some food. Why? Fundamentally I was terrified of feeling sick or being sick on the 3 hour journey. I'm not a great traveller, I get travel sick very easily and being stuck on a stuffy train with god knows how many others was not a promising prospect.

You see, I've got into a nasty cycle of worrying about feeling sick, which in turn makes me anxious and one of the symptoms of anxiety is nausea (and so it continues). Sometimes that nausea starts the night before I have to do something I'm worried about, the week before or even 5 minutes before. It varies depending on how worried I am.

The funny thing is, is that I can't even pinpoint when my fear of trains, planes, buses and even sometimes cars started. I used to be able to hop on a train and a bus for an hour and a half once a week to go and see an ex while I was in uni with no problems. Then one day I had a panic attack on Cardiff Train Station at the thought of having to get a coach for an hour. The reason I was so worried was because I'd eaten something that didn't agree with me and I'd had heartburn (the worst kind, where you can feel it almost coming up all the time) for the past two days. Having felt that sick for that long I was quite exhausted and not up for the challenge.
Even though I got on the train it was the first time I'd realised there was something mentally wrong and it shot me to bits. From then on getting on public transport has been an issue.

Needless to say, I got on the train and stayed on it from the first change until I reached my destination and didn't panic once. I was very nervous pretty much the whole way, and felt ill towards the end because of motion sickness but I got there ok. That has boosted my confidence but not enough to rid me of the worry that is impending about the next time I have to make the same journey; in one week's time.