Fight or Flight

I've had a couple of days writing here because I've travelled to see my boyfriend. The 3 hour train journey went well until the very last 10 minutes when I just desperately wanted to get off and everyone was standing up around me. That was basically claustrophobia and having had 4 hours of stress catching up with me. Overall though, it went very well and I had nothing to worry about. I think another couple of those journeys and I'll be well on the way to getting over my fear of trains :)

That brings me to conquering my next fear. Two fears infact. Firstly next monday there is the doctor's appointment to have a flu jab. Going to the doctor's scares me because of all the people in the waiting room that could be sick, the smell and the intense attention you get from the doctor themselves. I hate that almost 'interview' like setting.

Secondly is the slightly more terrifying prospect of getting on a plane. My boyfriend announced he's taking me for a short Christmas holiday the other day and while I'm desperately excited and certainly not going to pass it up because 'I'm too nervous' I am, in all honesty, shitting a brick.
I've never been on a plane before and the idea of there being absolutely no stops, hundreds of miles up and stuck in a metal room for 90 minutes is just horrible. My boyfriend is going to bring some sleeping tablets for me, but I'm also worried the side effects will be nausea...just what I don't want.

I had a little taster of what I might feel like this morning. Bf and I have both got a bad cold which sometimes makes you feel a little nauseous. This was ok while I was sleepy but when I got up to go to the toilet and get water to relieve it I had a panic and was thinking 'if this is how I feel ont he day we have to fly I'll die of fright'.

I should mention that what I write in here isn't what I am LETTING myself think, but what I'm trying to STOP myself thinking. I try my best to practice positive thinking, telling myself that actually I'm just being silly, that the air hostesses and pilot do that journey several times every day and if they can do it then why can't I? Whether this will work I've no idea but it does ease the panic short-term.

How it's Perceived

Emetophobia is a little embarrassing. After all it is an irrational fear and nobody likes admitting they're being irrational.

What do you reply with when somebody says 'why are you scared of being sick? It's natural and very rarely happens'. Er, yes...I know! What do they think is going through my head when I'm in situations which make me nervous? The answer is this:

"Lucy stop being such a twat. You are not going to be sick, there's nothing you've done that could possibly make you sick, and even if you are then it'll be due to how much you're worrying. Pull yourself together, calm down and you'll feel fine again."

Of course this rarely works on its own.

Anyway I'm straying from the point which I intended...A couple of nights this week I haven't wanted to eat dinner at the same time as everyone else. This has been for a few reasons: firstly I ate lunch too late and simply wasn't hungry at the same time. The next time I felt extremely down, possibly stress, possibly SAD and feeling down usually means not feeling hungry, or even feeling sick. When I feel depressed I worry about where it will lead, which makes me anxious and therefore I feel sick. Also I get so tearful I'm worried I'll cry at the table.

The result of this is that (I think) my family thinks I have an eating disorder. This has happened before when I've gone through a severe bout of anxiety + emetophobia when I ate half a walnut in four days when I was about 8. That was a culmination of being quietly manipulated (bullied if you like) by my supposed best friend, and I blame most of my problems on her. I'm straying again.
The point is that I'm not sure how to convince them I don't have an eating disorder without explaining my emetophobia to them. It's not a matter of 'they won't understand' it's a matter of 'they WILL understand, but they'll worry too much'.

I have told my mum that the shorter days affect my mood and I could be suffering from SAD. Whether I am or not remains to be seen but it's the best explanation I can think of. I just hope she believes me and doesn't continue worrying I have anorexia or something.

Dipping

As is normal when dealing with I condition like this (I guess) I'm having an awful few days. I've felt constantly low, very tearful, lacking in energy and motivation, feeling run down and generally ill. I think I'm over analysing what I'm going to have to go through in dealing with my emetophobia and anxiety, without giving it a chance first. It's awfully difficult to get out of this way of thinking though.

I also haven't left the house in a week. It usually wouldn't bother someone like me, who likes to be inside but it's going a bit over the top to not even step outside in 5 days (or however long it's been, I can't even remember). I'm sure my family must know something is going wrong as I'm not leaving my room and my mum keeps asking why my appetite is so low (when it comes to eating dinner anyway...possibly emetophobia again and having to eat infront of people). She's also noticed how frequently I am ill, which is always something I've dealt with. I think another symptom of long term anxiety and always being run down.

I might try phoning the doctor's tomorrow morning very early and see if I can get an appointment for the same day. I'm fed up of feeling so low.

What I've Done

Now that I've documented what happens and what I intend to do about my incredibly common phobia, I thought I'd write down what I HAVE done, my little habits that I carry out to try and help myself and what I've done to try and get better.

About 14 months ago when I was at university I was in the swing of every other week getting on a train and then on a coach to see my boyfriend for the weekend. One week I'd eaten something that didn't agree with me and I was very nervous about getting on the train for fear of being sick. This went ok and I thought 'I'll get another train rather than the coach as train's have a toilet', yet when I got to the station there was no train, only a coach. This sent me off into a state of panic, along at a busy city train station on a busy platform. I was crying on the phone to my boyfriend, feeling very ill, shaking and not knowing what to do. In the end I just got on the coach and dealt with it but ever since then I've had problems getting on trains and buses, and I've only been on a coach once or twice.

This was when I decided I realised I had a problem and went to see a doctor. He prescribed my a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) CD and sent me on my way. It didn't work and because all my housemates had moved out for various reasons, living alone made me paranoid or just about everything and I was too scared to go back.

Since I failed my first year of University I've carried a bottle of ginger beer around with me everywhere (the ginger settles upset stomachs and is commonly used for motion and morning sickness). I usually only drink it when I feel sick or nervous so it's easy to tell when I'm quietly panicking and telling myself I'm fine. It's become a huge comfort and one I will find it extremely hard to live without my bottles of it lying around everywhere.
Also (I can't remember when I started doing this but it wasn't too long ago) I carry little nappy bags around everywhere when I leave the house. You know those scented bags the same size as sandwich ones? This, of course, is so that if I think I will be sick I have somewhere to do it that's contained and won't require anyone to clean it up. I try to not bring these with me sometimes but as soon as I have to do something particularly nervewracking I have to have them again. I understand this is standard practice for an emetophobe, but I'm keen to stop it as I know that it's not doing me any good at all.

I did, once, go into a Tesco without any bag at all (usually I have a huge slouch bag that I take everywhere). I simply had my purse and that was it, and actually I was completely fine! I felt very proud afterwards and I really want to do it again.

When I'm in restaurants I tend to try and sit nearest the door or the toilet. Having to sit in between people is a nightmare but I haven't actually been to a restaurant with anyone but my boyfriend in a long time. He takes me to restaurants to stop me avoiding them and I have actually got a lot better. Last week we went to one in town which was very cramped, I ate until I was very full and didn't go to the toilets once. Usually I'll order whatever I know definitely won't fill me up and have a toilet break halfway through to let it go down. Unlike a lot of emetophobes I will eat meat at restaurants. I don't have a fear of food poisoning and infact getting it would probably be a godsend as it would get me over my fear. My biggest fear is being sick in public, not being sick at home, although I'm sure I would be terrified if it happened.

I feel I've rambled incessantly throughout this post without much point to it. It's also much too lengthy, sorry! Anyway, I DON'T hope you can identify with anything I've said and I hope you don't share any habits with me. They don't help and need to be stopped...hopefully very soon!

I thought I'd try and capture the essence of a nausea/anxiety attack for an emetophobe. I've seen someone do this before and I identified with it quite closely, so perhaps anyone reading this might find comfort int he fact that someone else does the same thing!

Of course something will have to trigger off the attack. That could be anything from simply waking up feeling unwell, having to get up and go somewhere too early (it takes a long time for my stomach to be ready for activity in the morning), having eaten too much or even having eaten too little. The most common trigger for me is the anticipation of going somewhere where it would be very embarrassing to be sick, e.g. a restaurant, lecture, certain shops, a bank etc. and it will start that morning.

I'll try to eat something, otherwise I know I'll feel dizzy and faint later on (which also = nausea), but getting it down is a nightmare. Often I'll have heartburn as my stomach just doesn't want food and I'll have little appetite. Then nearer the time when I have to leave I'll have a feeling of impending doom wash over me. Often this makes my head feel heavy and I get one of those nausea headaches which ties in with neck tension. I'll feel shaky and light headed, yet very jittery and full of energy that I can't expel. That's the anxiety.

Often I'll have to go to the toilet anywhere up to around 6 times before I have to leave (depending on how anxious I am) and I always have diarrhea. This is less of a problem, I can cope with it fine, but it's the relentless nausea which is the problem. It's around now that I'll have the proper attack, usually I'll withdraw somewhere where I can be alone. That might be outside, in my bedroom or in a bathroom; somewhere I know it's ok to be sick. I'll feel myself go pale, usually noticing my pallored hands and nails. I'll sweat and shake, feel very cold but hot inside and take layers off rapidly. All the time feeling as though I am definitely going to be sick any second. I'll fan myself, stand up, sit down, stand up again, stand still waiting to puke, walk to the window for air, heart beating, trying to breathe slowly, etc.

I wonder how many times I've ever done this? It must be well over 20 in my lifetime. Out of all those times I can't think of one where I was actually sick which should prove in my head that wherever I go and whatever I do I will be fine. I know logically that people won't be angry if I'm sick, but my greatest fear is that I am sick infront of another emetophobe. I would feel endlessly guilty and I know I'd ruin their week or even month with worry.

So what happens after these attacks? Maybe I'll 'get out of' whatever was making me nervous by showing someone how ill I feel or that I'm panicking about it. If I go then I'll probably be nervous in the car, have a 2 second nausea attack and then just deal with it. That's when I feel wonderful and feel proud, but it's so much effort.
Once it's all over, or once I know I don't have to go I'll immediately feel very, very tired. After a panic attack like that I can fall asleep in about 2 minutes and even thinking about it is making me want a nap. It certainly requires energy.

People with other phobias besides emetophobia will probably also relate to the feelings I've described. It's all just a flight or fight response which, unfortunately, we still have built into us hundreds of years after it's necessary.

Emetophobia on This Morning

You may have already seen this video, but I just found it on YouTube and found it quite comforting. Also incredibly inspirational; this woman is very brave to go on TV!

It just puts things in perspective and makes a bus journey or trip to the doctor seem quite trivial in comparison :)

Click this link to view the video: Here

Doing Something About It

Right so we've established that I suffer from emetophobia. The Western world's sixth most common phobia; the phobia of being sick. Yes, nobody enjoys being sick but this is a mortal FEAR. One which affects my daily life and has progressed to causing anxiety, panic attacks etc. Yes, it's my fault it got this bad and yes, I'm going to do something about it.

I've been exposing myself to the very thing that makes me the most scared. Videos of people being sick, feeling sick myself etc. but I haven't quite got round to actually being sick. This is something that (reportedly) is done towards the late stages of a certain kind of therapy, I believe some forms of CBT.

CBT?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: A form of psychotherapy which works with the individual to try and alter their negative thought patterns permanently and do eradicate negative behaviours.

Whether this will work for me or not, I can't be sure. I've followed a CD course prescribed by my doctor but found a great deal of errors in the text and as a former Psychology student I just couldn't take it seriously. The guy reading it had a brummie accent too which certainly didn't help. Still, I'm going to try and give it another go from the 'CBT Workbook for Dummies' and see how I go at my own pace.

My prediction is that even though I'm trying to be open minded about it, int he back of my head I think it won't work, so therefore it won't (QED...I'm clearly not being open minded about it). Personally I think that hypnotherapy would be far more useful, so that I can relive whatever experience of being sick terrified me so much when I was younger, and gain an adult perspective on it.

That, however, is something I can't gain without a visit to the doctor. Queue panic, nausea, more panic etc. etc......

On the Train

Last Tuesday I got on a train to go and stay with my boyfriend. The train took 3 hours and there was one change half an hour in, but beforehand I was a mess.

The build up to going and catching the train involved a lot of crying, one panic attack, some unfair accusations on my part, four visits to the toilet and the forcing down of some food. Why? Fundamentally I was terrified of feeling sick or being sick on the 3 hour journey. I'm not a great traveller, I get travel sick very easily and being stuck on a stuffy train with god knows how many others was not a promising prospect.

You see, I've got into a nasty cycle of worrying about feeling sick, which in turn makes me anxious and one of the symptoms of anxiety is nausea (and so it continues). Sometimes that nausea starts the night before I have to do something I'm worried about, the week before or even 5 minutes before. It varies depending on how worried I am.

The funny thing is, is that I can't even pinpoint when my fear of trains, planes, buses and even sometimes cars started. I used to be able to hop on a train and a bus for an hour and a half once a week to go and see an ex while I was in uni with no problems. Then one day I had a panic attack on Cardiff Train Station at the thought of having to get a coach for an hour. The reason I was so worried was because I'd eaten something that didn't agree with me and I'd had heartburn (the worst kind, where you can feel it almost coming up all the time) for the past two days. Having felt that sick for that long I was quite exhausted and not up for the challenge.
Even though I got on the train it was the first time I'd realised there was something mentally wrong and it shot me to bits. From then on getting on public transport has been an issue.

Needless to say, I got on the train and stayed on it from the first change until I reached my destination and didn't panic once. I was very nervous pretty much the whole way, and felt ill towards the end because of motion sickness but I got there ok. That has boosted my confidence but not enough to rid me of the worry that is impending about the next time I have to make the same journey; in one week's time.