What I've Done

Now that I've documented what happens and what I intend to do about my incredibly common phobia, I thought I'd write down what I HAVE done, my little habits that I carry out to try and help myself and what I've done to try and get better.

About 14 months ago when I was at university I was in the swing of every other week getting on a train and then on a coach to see my boyfriend for the weekend. One week I'd eaten something that didn't agree with me and I was very nervous about getting on the train for fear of being sick. This went ok and I thought 'I'll get another train rather than the coach as train's have a toilet', yet when I got to the station there was no train, only a coach. This sent me off into a state of panic, along at a busy city train station on a busy platform. I was crying on the phone to my boyfriend, feeling very ill, shaking and not knowing what to do. In the end I just got on the coach and dealt with it but ever since then I've had problems getting on trains and buses, and I've only been on a coach once or twice.

This was when I decided I realised I had a problem and went to see a doctor. He prescribed my a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) CD and sent me on my way. It didn't work and because all my housemates had moved out for various reasons, living alone made me paranoid or just about everything and I was too scared to go back.

Since I failed my first year of University I've carried a bottle of ginger beer around with me everywhere (the ginger settles upset stomachs and is commonly used for motion and morning sickness). I usually only drink it when I feel sick or nervous so it's easy to tell when I'm quietly panicking and telling myself I'm fine. It's become a huge comfort and one I will find it extremely hard to live without my bottles of it lying around everywhere.
Also (I can't remember when I started doing this but it wasn't too long ago) I carry little nappy bags around everywhere when I leave the house. You know those scented bags the same size as sandwich ones? This, of course, is so that if I think I will be sick I have somewhere to do it that's contained and won't require anyone to clean it up. I try to not bring these with me sometimes but as soon as I have to do something particularly nervewracking I have to have them again. I understand this is standard practice for an emetophobe, but I'm keen to stop it as I know that it's not doing me any good at all.

I did, once, go into a Tesco without any bag at all (usually I have a huge slouch bag that I take everywhere). I simply had my purse and that was it, and actually I was completely fine! I felt very proud afterwards and I really want to do it again.

When I'm in restaurants I tend to try and sit nearest the door or the toilet. Having to sit in between people is a nightmare but I haven't actually been to a restaurant with anyone but my boyfriend in a long time. He takes me to restaurants to stop me avoiding them and I have actually got a lot better. Last week we went to one in town which was very cramped, I ate until I was very full and didn't go to the toilets once. Usually I'll order whatever I know definitely won't fill me up and have a toilet break halfway through to let it go down. Unlike a lot of emetophobes I will eat meat at restaurants. I don't have a fear of food poisoning and infact getting it would probably be a godsend as it would get me over my fear. My biggest fear is being sick in public, not being sick at home, although I'm sure I would be terrified if it happened.

I feel I've rambled incessantly throughout this post without much point to it. It's also much too lengthy, sorry! Anyway, I DON'T hope you can identify with anything I've said and I hope you don't share any habits with me. They don't help and need to be stopped...hopefully very soon!